PHOTO PORTFOLIO
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VISUAL BRAIN PROCESSING…
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PLEASE STANDBY…
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This is like 1% of 1% of 1% of my archive.
All original.
No account required.
No likes required.
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Compromised reality awaits: Poster based on a screenshot of a character from my 2006-2007 high school short film.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
FEBRUARY 20, 2026
Paid for by nature.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 18, 2026
Western Spec Script Reference Photo #3,600,001
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 18, 2026
One hell of a commute.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 18, 2026
Biological vs Nuclear.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 18, 2026
Yup. Ink that deal. New KATO FRANK 2.0 episodes en route. Sometime. In this decade.
Neon Defiance: Modern Rosie Riveter Reinterpretation
I’m infinitely proud of myself (on a good day) for upping my game in every way possible while watching others transform into horrendous monsters right in front of my fucking eyes. Get me some sunglasses, STAT. The switchup is real.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 9, 2026
California Vs Everybody: 4th largest economy on Earth. Gee whiz, but I thought MAGA said that liberal, progressive policies didn’t work? Huh. Imagine that.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
DECEMBER 21, 2025
Evolving into my next Pokemon evolutionary stage. Just don’t look too closely into his eyes…
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
NOVEMBER 28, 2025
It’s been a rough year. Time to get back into shape. GET OUT THE WAY.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JUNE 23, 2025
Time to stop eating entire frozen pizzas or else… jesus fucking christ.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JUNE 23, 2025
One of those “(maybe) there is a god” kind of moments.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
MAY 20, 2025
A feeling I relate to on the daily.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
MAY 8, 2025
If you look closely… you can see my soul escaping through the windows.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
MAY 8, 2025
Mirroring my own mind, it's an unsettling and foggy morning in the Pass of the Oaks.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
FEBRUARY 25, 2025
I love looking up when I'm outside. After all day staring at walls and screens and inanimate things, it helps me feel alive and imagine again.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
FEBRUARY 24, 2025
Walking by, I discovered behind door #1 was finite time and finite space. Behind door #2 was infinite work and infinite suffering. Behind door #3, human behavior no longer made sense. And so on and so forth, like the bow of a ship cutting through the endless abyss in its path.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
FEBRUARY 4, 2025
Look, I got you this tiny bouquet of flowers.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
JANUARY 22, 2025
“Turn the engine off. Keep your hands on the wheel. Don’t turn around or I’ll bust your nose like mine. Now, I’m gonna eat my lunch back here and I don’t want you lookin’ at me.”
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA,
JANUARY 22, 2025
Falling before I pull up. And for fuck sake, please pull up.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
OCTOBER 20, 2024
With nowhere else to stay, survival through debt became the only option. The beauty is almost ironic. This $2,000 per month view outside an AirBnB rental bled me dry. It also somehow allowed me to survive. It’s sometimes almost impossible to look up, but to survive we must.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 22, 2024
Reboot complete. Updates were installed successfully.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 16, 2024
“You’re like a portrait painted on my soul.” “Paint this, motherfucker!” “Woah, uncalled for. I was trying to be romantic.”
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 14, 2024
The slow reboot commences at dawn.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 3, 2024
Sutro Tower subtly pierces the atmosphere and my fucking soul.
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 1, 2024
What a handsome man: A.I. trying its best during the Michael Jordan basketball fundamentals Masterclass upscale test. Verdict: FAIL. God help us all.
IN THE LAB, CALIFORNIA
AUGUST 18, 2024
Nikes next to the hot tub and mischief at midnight.
NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA
MARCH 12, 2024
I’ve got 6 million reasons why I don’t like dogs, but they all have 1 reason to love me. Guess.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
2023
The Last Supper: My rock during my last days as a cook.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
2023
Definitely alone in the house listening to Beastie Boys’ “Intergalactic” at this moment in time.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
2023
On good terms: highly irradiated during the solar eclipse.
On bad terms: Later and unfortunately, the inability and/or unwillingness to process things outside her worldview led my former roommate/landlord to having her best friend take goodbye pictures of us on the day I moved out… and then proceeded to refuse sharing them with me. Psycho nutjob move. Thank Christ I moved out. That shit’s going in my memoir. WHAT UP, B?
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
2023
Will the real ones please stand up? PB was always on deck and at bat for me. On the bridge, the Riker to my Picard. In the kitchen, the Gordon Ramsay to my Idiot Sandwich.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
2023
I noticed this insect inside one of the flower while out on my back patio. It appeared dead, unresponsive and not moving. All I could think was what a beautiful and fragrant place to be laid to rest. RIP.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
JULY 28, 2023
The half-finished white picket fence I always dreamed of having.
February 6, 2023
Ramona, California
You couldn’t ask for a better view while waiting at the ATM… I mean, you could, but why would you? And who would you ask? Your mom?
January 20, 2023
Ramona, California
Moments of elation and contentment on a bed of grass in my back yard as Christmas nears in the warm afternoon California sun.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
DECEMBER 21, 2022
Talking to soulless human NPCs in 2022 be like:
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
DECEMBER 7, 2022
Watching “Licorice Pizza” twice in one day. Don’t worry, bleeding out of my ears and mouth while shooting laser beams out of my eyes is normal for me.
November 30, 2022
Ramona, California
Holding up a wall. Desperately.
November 17, 2022
Ramona, California
“Huh? What’s that, Mom and Dad? You like and believe an ancient book full of hallucinogenic stories and strange men on stages behind pulpits more than me? That’s great. It’s truly an honor to be your son and experience that.”
I put this image on a custom credit card and they shipped it to the wrong fucking address. So somewhere out there there’s a fucking weirdo walking around with me in their wallet. Or maybe they lied and they framed it and it’s in the lobby of the credit card company cuz they’re such big fans of the podcast. Yeah, yeah, that’s probably the more likely option.
Sometimes this happens when I have to wake up too early in the morning.
Driving home never gets old.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
OCTOBER 7, 2022
The cape honeysuckle continues to live on in its bucket. Strong bloomies. Strong bucket bush. Don’t worry, I eventually put that bitch in the ground where it belonged.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
SEPTEMBER 9, 2022
Leveling up.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
AUGUST 29, 2022
Shhh… super secret breakup/makeup spot.
RAMONA, CALIFORNIA
MAY 8, 2022
April 22, 2022
San Pasqual Valley, California
It’s like God smiling down, flipping us off with UV radiation. My fucking sunburn hurts, goddammit.
Fragile. New beginnings.
ESCONDIDO, CALIFORNIA
APRIL 12, 2022
Back at it.
SAN MARCOS, CALIFORNIA
APRIL 12, 2022
KFP anniversary skateboards coming soon… in the year 2062.
April 2, 2022
Escondido, California
Home for one month of my life, I lose myself down a portal of infinite time and space in Joshy Josh’s million-dollar kitchen skylight.
ESCONDIDO, CALIFORNIA
APRIL 2, 2022
Shout out to this lady for putting up with me for 4 years. Thank you for always being so sweet to me, inviting me to holiday meals, and for being willing to take my weird orphan plants.
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
MARCH 31, 2022
Dwain “The Rock” Boston. This man lifted me up when I was at my lowest. He didn’t even know who the fuck I was, just another neighbor, some weird, sad, angry, distraught, confused, self-loathing white guy sitting on the street curb. But he still engaged me, fearlessly. Despite our age difference, we related to each other. He shared stories of his estrangement from his parents, siblings, and his children, struggles with his wife, finances, drugs, and religion. This dude was vulnerable beyond measure and put energy and effort into me despite him needing it most for himself. Thank you, forever.
March 30, 2022
La Mesa, California
March 4, 2022
La Mesa, California
March 3, 2022
La Mesa, California
Ashley chose to abandon our nearly 14-year partnership in July 2021 by means of deep deceit and infidelity. While I was out walking, in a feeble attempt to process the finality of heartbreak, I found this tiny label. A disturbing synchronicity, a fitting location lying on the ground, and a fitting word for the end of a fucking horror movie.
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
NOVEMBER 16, 2021
October 10, 2021
La Mesa, California
Trouble in the air.
October 5, 2021
La Mesa, California
Raising my spirits.
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
OCTOBER 1, 2021
Don’t turn me back to the old me: I stopped binge drinking after over 13 years of dependency, right after my vision did this for the 10 millionth time. Separating from enablers helped immensely. Fuck, this makes me thirsty lol.
September 22, 2021
La Mesa, California
August 10, 2021
Lake Murray, California
August 10, 2021
Lake Murray, California
August 10, 2021
Lake Murray, California
August 10, 2021
La Mesa, California
June 17, 2021
Liberty Station, California
This day and location marked the beginning of the end. Boy, I wish I was on that plane.
June 17, 2021
Liberty Station, California
Air Jorpan. David Jorpanheimer. David Garbagino. Sir Bricksalot. I answer to all those names, depending on the day. 1 foot vertical. Print that shit. Put this poster on your bedroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom, and office walls today! Click the link to buy now! (Minimum order of 100,000 required.)
October 11, 2020
La Mesa, California
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
JULY 8, 2020
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
MAY 31, 2020
Selling our souls to survive... I mean, uh, we really believe in this shit! Definitely not uncomfortable whatsoever. Totally trustworthy.
February 16, 2020
La Mesa, California
The double-fisting of warm beverages really must stop.
December 2, 2019
La Mesa, California
Old screenshot of me commenting on one of my all-time favorite live performances. Zero likes.
August 8, 2019
Mount Helix Park, California
June 3, 2019
Sunset at the La Mesa apartment.
January 8, 2019
As an introvert, I’ve been criticized more than once that I don’t seem approachable. This is interesting to me, because I’m never so closed-off as to not notice someone else taking my picture just a few steps away. Avoidant behaviors include hiding behind phones and ignoring people around you. I might be introverted, but I sure as fuck am not avoidant. Most people don’t enjoy paying attention to others unless they want something from them. What do they want or not want?
DECEMBER 28, 2018
POINT LOMA, CALIFORNIA
December 17, 2018
San Diego California
Out working with the tree service, my thoughts turn skywards in an effort to escape such a brutal way of living.
December 5, 2018
Poway, California
Sometimes it’s hard to choose.
November 13, 2018
Dehesa, California
There used to be an employee that worked at my neighborhood Vons who looked like the main character from “Eraserhead” with really high, poofy hair. He was out retrieving shopping carts one day and I tried covertly getting a candid of him, but didn’t even get him in frame. So I made this instead.
LA MESA, CALIFORNIA
OCTOBER 26, 2018
My first Cali plates. Word up to your mother’s mother’s grandmother.
May 2018
La Mesa, California
I found this weird collage of the wealthy socialite known as First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt being very handsy. So naturally I found it necessary to generate a meme out of it. You’re welcome, World.
February 13, 2017
ACKWORTH, IOWA
SEPTEMBER 30, 2016
Dead flowers.
Grimes, Iowa
August 18, 2016
Dead Flowers.
Ankeny, Iowa
August 18, 2016
“Fuck hashtags and retweets.” — Jay-Z
“Thank God David finally got new glasses. Those wire frames were fucking hideous.” — also Jay-Z
Grimes, Iowa
August 11, 2016
The infamous closed-eyes photo with John Waters. He visited on a book tour promoting it with a free retrospective. If you wanted to take a photo or get a signature, you had to buy his book. After waiting an hour in line, we got this. Rating: 3 out of 5 (for comedic effect)
After the photo, I asked if he had any advice on how to make movies in a small town with no connections. He essentially said to just do whatever it takes to make what you want no matter where you’re at. Rating: 2 out of 5 (uninspiring and indistinct, but accurate)
My advice to him: take photos with your fucking eyes open if you’re posing for photos. I’m joking, he was great. I’m joking again, I want that hour of my life back. Plus the other hour sitting in his boring lecture. Rating 5 out of 5 (for comedic effect)
Endri saved the day, as usual. Maybe next time Endri can give the talk and do the signing. I’d even pay John Waters not to do it.
OCTOBER 15, 2014
HOYT SHERMAN THEATER
DES MOINES, IOWA
If only I had just thrown myself over the balcony, maybe things would’ve turned out better.
“Wow, if I had a dollar for every pixel in this picture I’d have two whole dollars.” — Endri
The infamous Power Pose photo sessions, where I taught young orphan children how to strike a powerful pose in order to not be ridiculed mercilessly by other children. The children made this for me afterwards. Mission accomplished. *thumbs up*
JUNE 8, 2014
JOHNSTON, IOWA
I made this meme in honor of this great bridge design that clearly allows natural water flow. And always nice to spot a tire in our rivers!
May 28, 2014
Johnston, Iowa
I made this meme in honor of my suffering.
April 27, 2014
I made this meme in honor of all the fitness gurus that began inundating every social media feed known to man. And no that’s not a picture of me getting shredded. It’s a picture of your dad celebrating the night he paid your mom to conceive you. Damn, that took a turn.
April 25, 2014
I made this meme in honor of Easter landing on 4/20 that year. I remember sending it to my friend Carter. It made him cry. With freaking laughter.
APRIL 20, 2014
Meme I made in honor of my greatest fear.
APRIL 20, 2014
“What is it you’re looking for?” “Drugs. All the drugs. And, like, 15 sandwiches. I know you got ‘em.”
April 7, 2014
Johnston, Iowa
With my brother from multiple other mothers. How’s that possible? Ask science.
August 18, 2013
Indianola, Iowa
With Peter Stormare, after wrapping principal photography for the 2009 film Janie Jones. I was a production assistant and he didn’t like my glasses. What ensued next?
The paparazzi proceeded to catch this wild fight on camera the moment he broke my jaw and neck with his fist. I proceeded to break my fist and my arm on his chin. All metaphorically speaking, of course.
What an luminescent heavyweight. This guy holds his own going head-to-head with the biggest names in the business in every movie I’ve ever seen him in.
What an honor for him to choke me out in front of the international press in this beautiful Swedish death grip.
DES MOINES, IOWA
OCTOBER 2009
On the set of “Janie Jones.” I remember Endri writing on my Facebook wall, “Don’t do it, David!” I think I replied something like “I’m gonna do it. Here I go. Don’t try and stop me. I’m gonna do it. Right now. Here I go. Don’t stop me. This is it. I’m doin’ it. I’m definitely going to do it. Right now. I’m about to do it…” And so on and so forth.
September 2009
Des Moines, Iowa
James Horton was my co-worker at Subway and was kind enough to help me move apartments. I was an idiot. Wish I never blew him off when I moved back to Iowa. Thank you for helping me move, for inviting me into your family’s home for dinner, for giving me a watch, for making me laugh, and for having my back. I’m sorry I absolutely failed as a friend.
CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA
DECEMBER 2007
“Starting from conception, most photos of him looked like mug shots. Apparently this was due to a family curse. Did he break it? We’re still researching that.” - Future Historian
Still in my wannabe Eminem/Slim Shady phase. Apologies.
CULVER CITY, CALIFORNIA
NOVEMBER 22, 2007
I took these four black-and-whites at a Ralph’s for an assignment at the Art Institute. I don’t remember the assignment, but it was boring and uninspired, like most delegations and declarations from authority figures. This explains why I avoided it and didn’t engage well when confronting it. The teacher told me to redo it, that I didn’t try hard enough. It’s never enough for other people.
October 22, 2007
Culver City, California
Baby David coming for the jugular: My first morning in L.A.
I paid like $60 after negotiating the price down because it was after midnight, slept about 5 hours, then drove across the city to orientation at the now-closed, Federally-sued The Art Institute of Los Angeles in Santa Monica.
It’s there where I proceeded to accidentally spill orange juice on some poor girl because I was so disoriented and out of my element. My element was a place called Hicksville Redneckhillbilly Bumpkintown. All those homeschooling social skills really paid off. Thanks Mom and Dad. Psyche.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
AUGUST 2007 (Disregard the incorrectly set timestamp. Or don’t, if you’re the delusional type.)